Advice by Pepper Mackay

Sagebrush, Oct. 20, 2000


Dear Pepper,

My floor mates in Canada Hall have sent me an invite to something they call an "orgy party". What are they talking about?

-Confused in Canada


Orgies and throwing up at parties were two signs of the decline of the Roman Empire. With some of the frat parties I've been to, I think we're starting to combine the two. So I figure that if we're going to decline, you might as well get laid in the process.

Some tips: I suggest you shave yourself everywhere important to minimize chafing. And you will get chafed. I also suggest you wash yourself all over, because you're gonna be pretty sweaty by the end of things anyway. Oh, and you'll want to wash some more afterwards, but don't think that you'll be able to wash away that dirty feeling, because that's with you to stay. You get used to it.

Don't forget to bring condoms. And maybe a camera, so you can sell the photos on the Internet and help fund the next one.

Dear Pepper,

A couple of months ago, I moved into an apartment with two girls I know. After we'd been living together for a couple of months, I had a brief fling with one of them, mostly just a couple of drunken one-night stands. Then, after this died down, I started dating the other one. Needless to say, this created a bad scene, so I moved out into another apartment. Now my relationship with this girls has started getting serious, and I'm thinking of moving back in with her. What do you think?

-Moving Problems

Dear Moving Problems,

Despite the name, I don't think your problems are all that moving at all? Ha! Get it, "moving"? Like, "touching"? In fact, your problem sounds like too much touching! Ha! This reminds me of every episode of Three's Company. So maybe the answer is to pretend that you're gay.

Seriously, though, what is this, group sex week? If you're really serious with this girl, why do you need to move into the same three bedroom apartment? It sounds like you need to share a bedroom. I guess it could be that you just really like the apartment. I suggest that you take the reciprocating saw that you doubtless have (because every college student needs one), eliminate a couple of walls, and turn it into a two bedroom apartment.

Actually, it'd be even cooler if you just kept going and turned the whole apartment into one big room, commune-style. Buy a whole bunch of bean bag chairs, some shap carpeting, a hookah, some padding for the walls, and a bunch of cameras linked to the Internet. Then start a Web site. Boom, you're a millionaire, and suddenly this problem will seem like nothing compared to the problem of your new cocaine addiction. That's what I think.

Dear Pepper,

I keep coming into my room late at night, and I catch my roommate masturbating. I'm really starting to get sick of this. How should I approach the issue?

-Disgusted in Nye Hall


I'm glad you asked.

No, actually, I'm not glad you asked. I'm sickened that you asked. Dude, htat is gross. Really. So maybe that's what you should say to your roommate friend person next time you walk in on him. "Dude, that's gross." And then slam the door.

But of course you won't because you're a little freshman wimp, and otherwise you would have said that the first time. Seriously, what is so intimidating about a guy holding his penis in his hand? I've been around them plenty, and I stopped being scared after the first couple dozen. You've even got one yourself, so what's the dealio?

Since you're a wimp, try slipping salt-peter into his food. I hear it works for the navy