Slip of the Tongue

weekly advice from Pepper Mackay

4-20-2001 Sagebrush

 

Dear Pepper,

My girlfriend's parents are coming into town April 20. I promised my girlfriend I would see them with her, but I REALLY want to get stoned at 4:20 like all my friends are planning. Think I could pull it off and not make a doofus of myself at dinner?

-Dinner with Mary Jane

 

Dear Dinner,

The only thing worse than promising to meet your girlfriend's parents, and then showing up there stoned, is showing up stoned and on acid. Point this out to them, as you stumble blearily into the restaurant, your blotchy, red eyes making them fear the man who's dating their daughter, and maybe it'll ameliorate the situation.

So, I guess my answer to your question is, no, you can't pull it off and not make a doofus of yourself at dinner. You'll show up at the Olive Garden more lit than a candle, astound them by how many bread sticks you can feverishly munch down, and then excuse yourself halfway through dinner to "get something from the car" and return half an hour later smelling of oregano.

Because, of course, you're going to do this. I mean, it's 4-20. If the nation doesn't commemorate 4-20 for weed, it'll remain commemorated for Hitler's birthday, the Waco standoff, the Oklahoma City bombing, and the Columbine shooting. Rather than spending the day letting the fumes of hate spawn further atrocities in morbid remembrance, it is perhaps better to spend the day letting the fumes of grass spawn the munchies as people's short-term memories are erased.

In this spirit, I suggest you check with how old her parents are. If they're in their 40s or 50s, and they probably are, they grew up in the '60s and '70s. There's a strong chance these people are hippies! Sure, they probably don't smoke weed now, but if you can ditch their daughter for a couple of minutes and inquire about the subject, you might wind up having a good time helping them relive their youth, instead of spending the whole evening nervous and fidgety in an uncomfortable restaurant.

Or, it might make them forbid their daughter from ever seeing you again. Either way.

-Pepper

 

Dear Pepper,

Where can I score some good weed in Reno?

-Gardener

 

Dear Gardener,

Start dating a drug dealer. Consult my earlier columns for advice on how to find one, and how to properly date them to get the most out of the relationship. Or wait six months, get a chronic illness, and perhaps you can land a prescription.

-Pepper

 

Dear Pepper,

My girlfriend keeps bugging me to quit smoking out. I mean, can't she understand that even if I was going to quit, 4-20's coming up, so I can't quit now! What should I do to get through to her?

-Smoke on the Water

 

Dear Smoke,

I don't think you can ever convince her to like the devil weed. It sounds like she's stringently against it, maybe has never tried it, or else has tried it and had a bad experience with it. There's no way you can turn her opinion around. On the other hand, you seem to feel strongly about this yourself, and it would be wrong of you to violate your principles just for her beliefs.

So, for your benefit, I present here the Eight Ways to Say No to quitting weed.

1. Say "No Thanks" ­ "Thanks for the suggestion, sweetheart. I'll take it into consideration. (puff puff)"

2. Give an Excuse or a Reason ­ "It's medicinal, I swear!"

3. Broken Record ­ Keep playing one Bob Marley track on repeat over and over

4. Walk Away ­ Smoke at your friend's house

5. Change the Subject ­ "Yeah, good idea honey... hey, look, a jewelry sale!"

6. Avoid the Situation ­ Break up.

7. Cold Shoulder ­ Break up and don't return her calls.

8. Strength in Numbers ­ Have a 4-20 party in your house.

Of course, my official recommendation is that you should quit smoking weed. And start going to church, too.

-Pepper