Slip of the Tongue

weekly advice from Pepper Mackay

Sagebrush, 4-13-2001

 

Dear Pepper,

My ex-girlfriend from high school tracked me down and hacked into my e-mail. I hacked into her e-mail address and I'm thinking of breaking up her wedding in October. How should I do it?

-e-Ex-Boyfriend

 

Dear e-Ex-Boyfriend,

I think the deeper question is not "How should I do it?" but "Should I do it?" And the answer is, yes, you should.

It would be a very evil and manipulative thing to do, admittedly, but being evil and manipulative can often be a part of personal growth. Plus, your ex-girlfriend started it by being evil and manipulative in the first place. You probably feel a lot of anger at her for that, and so it would be difficult for you to forgive her and move on. Unless, of course, you do something equally evil and manipulative back. Only then can you learn what it's like to act on that impulse to do something really mean and intrusive to an ex who you claim to have stopped caring about, and perhaps then you can move on.

Besides, this wedding's not a good idea if she's still so immature that she's hacking into ex-boyfriend's e-mail addresses mere months before she plans to marry someone. She needs more time to grow up, and the groom needs to find someone else. You're just saving them the legal costs of the wedding. And besides, the suffering of this experience will no doubt lead her to more personal growth as well. Either that, or it'll make her a bitter, wasted person. But, hey, it's her choice which way she handles you breaking up her marriage. There's nothing you can do about it.

So, now that I've thoroughly backed up the opinion you already held, on to the question you actually asked. Using her e-mail address directly is too obvious. Try to use it to obtain a list of the names and postal addresses of all the guests, and then use that info to screw up her marriage. Otherwise she'll just figure out the e-mail thing and change her password. This way, you can break up her marriage and continue progressing through more evilness and manipulation of her e-mail address for possible months to come.

-Pepper

 

Dear Pepper,

I've got a huge problem. I used to be really emotionally involved with this guy, "Rich", online, who lives in Ohio. He showered me with praise and sent me to things, but then I became attached to this other guy, "Rob," who I'd also met online but who I'd started hanging out with in real life because he's here in Reno. I didn't think Rob would ever like me as more than a friend though, so I didn't pursue him, and Rich became more and more insistent on coming out and visiting me in real life. I finally told Rich I just wanted to be friends, and he took it kind of hard. He still came out to visit, since his plane tickets were non-refundable, but by then Rob had started showing his real feelings for me and being all cuddly and sweet. Now I'm in a really awkward position because I really like Rob a lot, but I feel really unsure about how to talk to him about my feelings, or how to talk to Rich now, since he's still crushing on me and will be staying in Reno for the next week, sleeping on the floor of my dorm room. What should I do?

-Three is Company Too

 

Dear Three is Company,

What you need to remember about the Internet is that it is not the real world. You were involved with this Ohio guy through the Internet, so really you were only his virtual girlfriend, not his real girlfriend. You owed nothing to him in the real world, since you were only sleeping with him in chat.

Meanwhile, the guy in Reno, that became "in real life" sooner than the guy from Ohio flew out here, so it holds precedence.

You should just explain this to everyone involve, and it should clear things up. And if it doesn't, well, the word "ménage a trois" comes to mind.

-Pepper