Slip of the Tongue

weekly advice from Pepper Mackay

3-30-2001 Sagebrush

 

Dear Pepper,

I know lots of guys, but I never seem to actually date any. I always wind up just being friends, like I'm one of the guys. I'm getting sick of this, I want to date someone! What should I do?

-Guyfriendly Girl

 

Dear Guyfriendly,

This problem is, of course, your own fault. You're not what men consider a girl to "get with". You are, instead, what they refer to as a "cool girl". Another term for this is "cock tease".

That's right, you should know by now that all men are pigs who'll screw anything that can walk and occasionally wear a bra. So it's probably not that the men around you aren't willing to give you a run for their money. No, in all likelihood it's you, yourself, that isn't open for business.

Men, much like pigs, are ruled not by brains but by instinct. They're waiting for you to make the signals that will allow them to advance like the meat-puppets they are. You know, arch your back, expose your neck, touch his leg, put your tongue in his mouth. Do this and in no time they'll be buying you hotel rooms and cars. Instead of slapping you on the ass like another member of the football team, they'll be slapping you on the ass like a member of the cheerleading squad.

-Pepper

 

Dear Pepper,

I have a new boyfriend, and when I stayed at his house he got like 47 phone calls in 10 minutes. Do you think he's a drug dealer ­ and if so is that a bad thing?

-Dating a dealer in Reno

 

Dear Dating,

Either he's a dealer, or he's got a stalker, or a busload of mistresses. The problem with Reno, though, is that he might not be the good kind of dealer. He might be a casino dealer, rather than a drug dealer. Working long hours in a smoky environment, surrounded by cocktail waitresses and drunken tourists, rather than working brief hours surrounded by guys with dreadlocks who are too stoned to realize that they're just going to burn a hole in that inflatable couch if they keep smoking while sitting on it.

The former category of dealers d o make a lot in tips, but the latter make a whole lot more in non-taxable income.

It's not all fun and games being a drug dealer's girlfriend ­ there are some downsides. The phone's always busy. You've got to deal with guys with long beards who don't shower showing up at your house in the middle of the night. There's sometimes dirty syringes in the bathtub when you're showering in the morning, or worse yet, a meth lab.

Still, there's a lot more to dealers than most people give them credit for. They've got all the qualities of husband-material men: self-employed, upwardly mobile, and well-educated (in pharmaceuticals, and maybe law).

Drug dealers, that is, not casino dealers. Not that there's anything wrong with dealing in a casino. Any profession that drains the money and life-force from Californian tourists is a noble one.

Before you get all excited, now, thinking that you've landed yourself a drug dealer, first be sure that he actually is one. Ask yourself if any of these sound familiar:

- Excessive foot traffic to and from his house or property

- Loitering in or around his house

- Frequent and unusual traffic patterns - Stop, Enter, and Leave

- Traffic frequently stops and he comes out and talks briefly with occupants of car

- Threats of intimidation connected to a residence

- Gang activity in area

- Graffiti on structure or in area

- Sudden increase in criminal activity

- Open exchange of drugs and money

If so, congratulations! You're dating a drug dealer! Just don't sleep over at his house too often. That way you're less likely to be there when he's busted. You might not get convicted on a drug rap, but they're bound to give you hell about all your parking tickets.

-Pepper