Slip of the Tongue

weekly advice from Pepper Mackay

Sagebrush 2-23-2001

 

Dear Pepper,

This year for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend told me that he thinks roses and chocolate are over-commercialized and meaningless. He said, "Let's do something romantic. How about I come over and give you a backrub?" And then it turned out he wasn't really interested in giving me a back rub, it was just an excuse for a come-on. Am I right in assuming that this is just a cheap cop-out, since instead of buying me something he just got laid?

-Cheapskate's Lover

 

Dear Lover,

Very astute of you to come to that assumption even without writing me. You've cut right to the core of Valentine's Day with your question. That was indeed a cheap cop-out, because the true purpose of Valentine's Day is for your man to show you just how much he loves you by spending so much money on you hat it hurts. It doesn't matter, really if he buys you anything useful. One hundred roses, hey, whatever, just as long as it means he'll have trouble making rent next month, the cheap bastard.

Your boyfriend is wrong in saying that roses and chocolate are over-commercialized and meaningless. Their meaning is simple: money = love. Also, roses smell better than his sweaty body giving you a backrub, and chocolate tastes better than his sweaty body, too.

And, yeah, chocolate and roses are commercialized, but they're not over-commercialized. Only men who are under-funded and can't impress women with the girths of their wallet (or anything else) complain about over-commercialization. Real men just grin, get a better-paying job, and keep buying those twenty-dollar drinks if it means they'll get nookie tonight.

-Pepper

 

Dear Pepper,

One night I was out with my friends and I saw this really hot guy, and I thought I heard my friend say she thought he was legal. Later I found out she was really saying she thought he was "leetle". It turns out he's only 16! What should I do?

-Getting 'em young and getting 'em often

 

Dear Getting 'em,

Well, your friend was right on both counts, he's "leetle" and he's legal, in this state. Gob bless the Battle Born State, our age of consent is only 16 years old. This kid's just barely legal.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "I was doing it with college guys when I was 16, why can't this boy get with me now?" Well, before you start slipping your hands down his sophomore-in-high-school pants, think about what you're getting yourself into. The reason why you were getting with college guys at 16 was because it was prestigious. College guys have tons more freedom than high school guys, they can buy booze when high school guys can't, they don't have to sneak around to smoke cigarettes, and they always have more money. Now, think about this, no one wants to date high school guys in high school, so why would you want to date one in college?

Really, at this point in your life you ought to be dating grad students.

Well, if the 16-year-old's cute, I guess you'll probably go for it. If you do, you are at a bit of an advantage. You can be seducing him while your high-school-age competition is busy with their second-period English class. You can take the allowance money his parents give him, convert it into liquor, and then drink part of that liquor. All of the facets of your college existence that you've come to take for granted ­ staying up until four and sleeping till noon every day, not having classes on Friday, never talking to your parents ­ all of these will still be horribly impressive to a 16-year-old, who is still struggling to get out of washing the dishes every evening. He'll be putty in your hands.

On a final note, keep in mind that while a 16-year-old is past age-of-consent laws, he's still under curfew laws. Everyone under the age of 18 in Nevada has to be home by midnight on weekends and 10 p.m. on school nights. So when he asks why you always kick him out of your bed by midnight, tell him it's because you don't want to break the law.

-Pepper