Slip of the Tongue

weekly advice from Pepper Mackay

Sagebrush 2-16-2001

Dear Pepper,

I have a roommate who goes out with a lot of guys. Right now, she's actually dating three guys at once who all think they're her boyfriend, and none of them know about the others. They keep coming over and asking for her when she's sleeping with one of the other ones, or when she's even sleeping with some other guy entirely! I'm getting sick of lying for her. What should I tell them when they keep asking where she is?

-That's Why the Roommate is a Tramp

 

Dear That's,

That's a touch question. I mean, on the one hand you don't want these horny, frustrated men hanging around your apartment while you're trying to shower. On the other hand, these three men are all getting laid regularly and your roommate, who's obviously a nymphomaniac, is getting what she needs. So, it's sorta the best for everyone concerned. Except you.

So here's what I suggest. Are any of these guys cute? If so, have him stay over for a few minutes every time he's there to see your roommate while she's boffing boyfriend number 2 or 3 instead. Try to be dressed in a skimpy robe, your underwear, or better yet be just getting out of the shower and flirt with him for 5 or 10 minutes in a damp towel. Since men are all sluts, he'll be extremely turned on by his girlfriend's roommate being attracted to him. He may even fantasize about a ménage a trois. Don't bring that subject up.

Then, keep him around one day until your roommate comes out with the guy whose pole she's currently waxing. He'll be broken up by the whole affair and you can gather up the pieces and mold him into your new sex toy. Now it's an even better situation ­ you're getting action too, and your roommate's down to a manageable two boyfriends. If she picks up more boyfriends again, repeat the process until she has to lie for you, not the other way around.

On the other hand, if it takes three of these guys to satisfy your roommate, probably they're all pretty lousy in bed. It may not be worth it.

So, if it doesn't seem worth it, call each of them up and tell them she wants to meet them outside one of her classes. Make sure it's someplace you won't be near. None of them should bother you after that.

-Pepper

 

Dear Pepper,

How can you tell if a man is good in bed, without actually going to bed with him?

-Curious and cautious

 

Dear Cautious,

Well, the old cliché is to see if a man has "good hands". But, come on, a firm grip doesn't mean a firm prick, if you know what I'm saying. And lots of icky people have "good hands" in some way, that doesn't mean they're worth taking off your fishnets for: people who type all day; people who juggle, yo-yo, or do other creepy talent; people who shoot guns.

The other old trick is the saying about a man having a big nose having a big penis. Well, a penis is sorta like a car. Just because it's big doesn't mean it drives hard or fast, or won't fall apart after three minutes on the road when you're not even close to home, leaving you stranded all sweaty and tense in the middle of the desert, hating this big stupid car that just hulks next to you in the dark, radiating heat.

In my experience, men who are meticulous are usually good in bed. You know, attention to detail. Guys with colored hair tend to be freaky in bed. And guys who are good at making a cat purr can also make other things purr...

And strangely, nerds. You know, if it's dark enough. Just cruise through anyplace with computers and if they don't make eye contact, then ask them for their phone number. They've usually got at least 20 years of pent-up energy.

How can you tell if a man is lousy in bed? If he's wearing a letter jacket or Greek letters. But at least he'll be easy.

-Pepper