Dear Hard Life,
You're right. The world is out to get you. Your bosses have been plotting
behind your back to destroy you. The professors in your department hate
you because you're not fooling anyone when you sit in the back of an eighteen-student
class reading that copy of "Naked Lunch" hidden in your textbook.
But it doesn't stop there. It's not just your bosses and your professors.
It is, indeed, the whole world that is out to get you. Every level of government,
from municipal on up, is independently working on plans to screw you over.
It begins with the Reno City Council, who want to make an extension of the train
trench right through your house. The Washoe County government is planning
to then irrigate that trench, while the Nevada state legislature hopes to
seize that land and irradiate it with nuclear waste in exchange for payments
that they will use to help pay for cigarette-smokers' health care. Then
the federal government, who has been monitoring your thoughts with their
satellites, will begin casting a ray at you, which, somehow, will result
in you developing a tiny, but nonetheless socially hampering, lisp.
From there it expands to the governments of all nations worldwide. All
of them are plotting against you, because, by not paying attention to what
you've been doing, you have managed to become a major impediment to their
national goals. In fact, a computer simulation run by UNICEF projects an
average 17.5% standard-of-living increase for every person in the world,
if you are to lose your job, become despised by your friends, and eventually
choke to death on a ham sandwich. Keep in mind, that's just an average.
In some countries it goes as high as 75%, and in other countries it goes
as low as 16.9%
How is any of this possible, you ask? You obviously haven't taken Probability
and Statistics yet. Trust me, it all makes sense.